The Sacrifice of Isaac (Jewish humor from Woody Allen)

This is classic, all over the web.  Take a look at William Novak and Moshe Waldoks (ed. and annotated by), The Big Book of Jewish Humor (New York:  Harper & Row, 1981), p. 220

WOODY ALLEN ON ABRAHAM AND ISAAC

The Sacrifice of Isaac

And Abraham awoke in the middle of the night and said to his only son, Isaac, “I have had a dream where the voice of the Lord sayeth that I must sacrifice my only son, so put your pants on.”

And Isaac trembled and said, “So what did you say? I mean when He brought this whole thing up?”

“What am I going to say?” Abraham said. “I’m standing there at two A.M. I’m in my underwear with the Creator of the Universe. Should I argue?”

“Well, did he say why he wants me sacrificed?” Isaac asked his father.

But Abraham said, “The faithful do not question. Now let’s go because I have a heavy day tomorrow.”

And Sarah who heard Abraham’s plan grew vexed and said, “How doth thou know it was the Lord and not, say, thy friend who loveth practical jokes, for the Lord hateth practical jokes and whosoever shall pull one shall be delivered into the hands of his enemies whether they pay the delivery charge or not.”

And Abraham answered, “Because I know it was the Lord. It was a deep, resonant voice, well modulated, and nobody in the desert can get a rumble in it like that.”

And Sarah said, “And thou art willing to carry out this senseless act?” But Abraham told her, “Frankly yes, for to question the Lord’s word is one of the worst things a person can do, particularly with the economy in the state it’s in.”

And so he took Isaac to a certain place and prepared to sacrifice him but at the last minute the Lord stayed Abraham’s hand and said, “How could thou doest such a thing?”

And Abraham said, “But thou said —”

“Never mind what I said,” the Lord spake. “Doth thou listen to every crazy idea that comes thy way?” And Abraham grew ashamed. “Er – not really … no.”

“I jokingly suggest thou sacrifice Isaac and thou immediately runs out to do it.”

And Abraham fell to his knees, “See, I never know when you’re kidding.”

And the Lord thundered, “No sense of humor. I can’t believe it.”

“But doth this not prove I love thee, that I was willing to donate mine only son on thy whim?”

And the Lord said, “It proves that some men will follow any order no matter how asinine as long as it comes from a resonant, well-modulated voice.”

And with that, the Lord bid Abraham get some rest and check with him tomorrow.

—————————————–

For more on the this story in the Bible:  see AqedahPart1a and AqedahPart2a.

Jesus Knows You’re Here

I received this over email:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.  When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,  clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.  Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.  ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.  ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’  The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’  ‘Moses,’ replied the bird.  ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’  ‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’